This morning God used a refrigerator to speak to my heart.
I’ve been really struggling lately with a severe sense of hopelessness in regards to a couple of special relationships in my life that have been broken, seemingly beyond repair. Though I am certain I am not without fault in these situations, the feelings of hurt, confusion, and betrayal I’ve been experiencing have been very real, and pure grief. I am mourning the loss of some very beloved people in my life, and have felt helpless to know even where to begin to attempt any sort of reconciliation, especially since each of my attempts thus far have come to naught.
As we entered into Holy Week, I found this feeling of hopelessness bleeding into nearly every aspect of my life -- it was beginning to feel like even the most commonplace tasks were just another way for my weaknesses and shortcomings to showcase themselves. Everything from prayer to dishes to laundry to Easter preparations was irritating or sad at best, or just a plain failure at worst. I found myself thinking all kinds of negative things like “why bother fulfilling my Lenten promises, when nothing ever changes anyway”?
All while this is going on in my brain, our refrigerator was acting stupid too. It was still keeping things cool, but the light inside, the ice-maker and the door dispenser were suddenly not working at all. Total “first world problem” of course, but certainly, did nothing to lift my mood. The first repairman declared it an $850 repair, which prompted a second opinion visit, because - yikes! And then it happened. This morning, long before the second repairman was to arrive, as quickly as it had stopped working, it suddenly started working again! My daughter came to tell me the good news, and I admittedly did not believe it at first. (St. Thomas the Apostle, pray for me) But when I saw with my own eyes, my honest thought was, “it’s a Holy Week miracle - thank you Jesus!”
What followed was immediate rebuke and at the same time intense consolation from Our Lord. In a very real way I heard Him speak to my heart, “so you’re that quick to believe that I can heal a freaking refrigerator, but not your own dear heart which I treasure beyond all compare?!” (I know, I know -- Jesus probably doesn’t say ‘freaking’ -- my heart must’ve loosely translated Him)
It was then that I realized I’ve been seeking a human solution to my painful situation. After all it’s very much a human problem. I realized that though I’d brought this situation to prayer countless times, it was most often with the question of “what should I do?” But that question isn’t really one of surrender, is it? It keeps me in the driver seat, when He should be driving.
I won’t pretend that all of my feelings surrounding the loss of relationship or even my own weaknesses have immediately disappeared, but my spirit is now much less disturbed by all the feelings. Ultimately my hope lies in the one whom even the “wind and waves [and refrigerators, apparently] obey” Mark 4:41
God's got this. I have committed my dear friends into the hands of the Lord, and am now much more disposed to wait on the Lord’s refrigerator healing touch.